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[ 9 min read ]

So look Reader, today I'm going to share a story with you.

It's a bit long and gets a tad heavy, but hey, this is my safe space...

I can do what I want lol. But also, there's a point to me sharing this in the end.

As I am typing this, I am in the middle of a third listen to a playlist I made over the summer called For The Moon In Pisces: A Sunset vibe. I had been hesitant to listen to this playlist for a couple months, because it was playing on the night in October I thought I was going to die.

Told you it would get heavy. This story is basically the beginning of the health issues I've been referencing over the months.

Context...

The first week of October I went to get an iron infusion. I had never had one before and I was extremely anxious. The first attempt at the infusion was very traumatic. My body had an intense reaction to it and I was in the hospital for over 4 hours with nurses trying to regulate me.

I went home, traumatized and weak, but decided to go back two days later to try a different kind of iron and a much smaller infusion dose. This time, the infusion was "successful" with no immediate reaction.

The next day, while I was casually looking out the window, I started to experience intense light sensitivity. I literally couldn't keep my eyes open and they felt horrible even when I had them closed.

This developed into a dull headache and very intense vertigo. It went on for a couple days. I became really fearful and called urgent care. When I described what I was experiencing, they told me their level of care wasn't appropriate and that I needed to go to the ER. I went to the ER and they told me they believed I had a migraine, but they diagnosed me with photophobia (light sensitivity).

As I laid in the hospital bed with irrelevant drugs coming into my body from an IV, I felt my body tightening slowly and subtly. I felt it, but I attributed it to being really cold. A couple hours later, feeling un-helped, I went home and got directly into the bed. I tried to sleep but my eyes felt really odd and I noticed I wasn't breathing normally.

I laid in my bed for hours, tossing and turning, trying to correct my breathing, but as time went on my upper body began to tense and lock up. That's the best way I can describe it. Eventually, I could no longer breathe from my stomach. It was like my diaphragm had also locked. My shoulders and chest felt locked in place and minute by minute my breath became more shallow, more shallow, more shallow.

My brain was trying to tell my body to relax, but the commands were not registering in my body. I pep talked myself, I tried some Yoga poses. Literally nothing was working. And that's when I put on the playlist, thinking that maybe it would help carry the message of "relax" from my brain to my body. It played over and over on repeat for hours.

Things only got worse. By this point, I was making myself breathe, it was no longer an automatic process. And with every minute, I was only getting small sips of air.

All this time, my parents where resting peacefully and I kept struggling to breathe on my own, trying to be quiet, simply because I didn't want to wake them.

I know...I know...that's a bigger issue.

So finally, when I literally felt like at any moment, I wouldn't be able to breathe anymore, I crawled to my parents' room and woke them up, trying to explain what was going on, in between the milliseconds of breath I had left. They started getting clothes on to rush me back to the hospital.

To be completely raw with you, I was prepared to stop breathing on that car ride.

I will never be able to describe the look of terror on my parents' faces. It's something that will never leave my memory. I'm sure it won't leave theirs either.

At one point I remember my mom saying to my dad "look at her eyes, she's dead in the eyes." When we were seconds away from leaving, I glanced at my mom. I could tell she had gotten a download because she looked at me oddly, then hugged me.

She said "Mel, your body is completely locked up. It's like a brick. I don't think this is something for the ER. I think we need to help her body relax, this is her anxiety. This is her anxiety." And in that moment my dad pulse squeezed me about three times. And when he did that...my body had a slight release. It relaxed. The more he did that, the more by body relaxed.

We never went back to the hospital that night. And into the wee hours, my parents made me hot tea, my dad kept the pulse squeezing method going and I was eventually able...to rest.

I lived.

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Before I began typing this, I decided to press play on the playlist I played that night and I immediately...and I mean immediately, began to weep. My body began to tense up and I started to shake (perfect example of how the body really does keep score). I almost turned it off, but I stopped myself and decided it was actually best to keep listening.

The more I listened, my crying slowed down, the shaking subsided and my body relaxed again. And I had a thought.

I could keep associating that playlist with the traumatic experiences from that night. Or I could choose to associate it with a different story. I could associate it with the deep, unconditional love I felt and saw in my parents faces that night. Could associate it with the resilience of my body. With a memory of how well I feel in this present moment, in comparison to that past moment in time.

I could associate it with the fact....that I lived.

We, you and I, always have a choice in the way we perceive our experiences. We always have the choice to choose up. To support our nervous system in its healing and restoration. To decide how we will move forward with our lives after experiencing something traumatic, big or small. I am not saying this is always immediate or easy. I am simply saying, it is ALWAYS possible and available.

For me, pressing play and then continuing to play that playlist was an important step for me to shake loose the stagnancy of that experience in my body. I needed this moment, for growth sake. The playlist represented a trauma I was, initially, willing to consciously let live in my body.

The playlist represents the feelings you repress and avoid feeling and facing. The playlist represents the deep seeded issue that you know is effecting all areas of your life, but you continue to be in denial about. The playlist is that conversation that you need to have with that person that you continuously allow to cause you harm. The playlist is that continued avoidance of that boundary you need to set with that family member.

You see it there. You associate with a trauma and you choose to turn a blind eye. That avoidance feels like "safety", feels "empowering." But really, its just digging into the wound that's already festering. It's always going to be there, holding the story you've given it...until you face it and tell a new one.

And as soon as I had this experience today, I got the very strong message to share it here with you.

I hope this feeds you.

Mel xx

**If you enjoy what I share in this newsletter week to week, you can leave a tip/donation here in exchange!​

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Check out the things I've loved this week

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Things I've loved this week

~ A movie on Netflix called Fractured. It was so good. It's a psychological thriller, which is my favorite genre of movie to watch (next to triller/horror and comedy). You should definitely check it out!

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~ I had a strong urge to listen to Frank Ocean this past week...I miss him. I nonstop rotated this song. And this song!

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~ I have been LOVING reading this book. I think every woman should read it and every man who gives a fuck about women should read it too. Even if you are already aware of or practice syncing your life with your menstrual cycle, this is an amazing resource to understand it deeper. Here is the link to the book!​

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